“Thousands of candles can be lighted from a single candle, and the life of the candle will not be shortened. Happiness never decreases by being shared.”

A few decades ago, the word “obey” was removed from wedding vows. Instead we now promise to love, honor and cherish each other. The meaning of the word had been lost, and fears of supporting domestic abuse were among the church’s reasons for the change. The root of the word “obey,” in the context of marriage, simply meant to put the needs of another ahead of our own. Obedience in this context was not about one dominating another – rather two people pledging to put the needs of the other ahead of their own. Thus, a relationship without “win and loss” columns.

Whether one is married four days, four months, or forty years, the sacred season of Lent could be the start of a renewed relationship with our spouse and all others. We are invited by Jesus to put the needs of another ahead of our own. Jesus tells us that we will be known as his disciples by how we love one another. We can deepen our commitments in marriage, and change the dynamics among all our relationships through unconditional love, with no loss to self.

In loving this way, we transform not only our spouses, but more importantly, ourselves. St Paul reminds the Philippians of the loving Christ, G_d in the flesh, who was obedient and committed to us even, as he was nailed to die on a cross. “Do nothing from selfishness or conceit, but in humility count others better than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.” This isn’t something for women to do for their husbands or husbands to do for their wives, it is what each of us as married people, as friends, as neighbors, as humans, are called to do for each other. This is the way of life to which Jesus calls us to “obey.” “Whoever wishes to come after me must deny himself, take up his cross and follow me.”

We are called to love in marriage and in life, in the same way that we are loved by Jesus. A Love which does not first weigh what we will get out of it. “Love one another as I have loved you.” “As-I-have-loved-you.” In the same way Jesus loves us – without limits. Jesus asks us to stop keeping score in our relationships. So, we should love our spouse and our neighbor, who maybe crabby and barking.

Instead of snapping a response we can ask ourselves, “What does this person need right now?” It’s not about giving up our dignity or rolling over to a bully. It’s about loving someone who might not be very lovable right now. It takes time to change old patterns, and it takes time for others to trust in the changes they see in us. It may take months beyond Lent, but if we believe this, pray about it, and trust in G_d, then we can be a candle destined to light other candles. The changes that happen in our marriages, in our world, and in ourselves can be dramatic.

“Remember, O LORD, your compassion and love, for they are from everlasting. Remember not the sins of my youth and my transgressions; remember me according to your love and for the sake of your goodness, O LORD.”

Pax,
jbt